Advertisement But none of that seems important right now. Because in Wales, the Church of the Jedi is under attack from the dark side of the Force.
Welshmen founded a church devoted to the ideals of the Jedi of the ''Star Wars'' films. Leading the sect is 27-year-old hairdresser Barney Jones, known among fellow devotees as Master Jonba Hehol. No, I am not making any of this up.
In March, Jones and his cousin Michael Jones, aka Master Mormi Hehol, were dueling with light sabers in a garden, video recording the battle for a documentary. That's when an unemployed man masquerading as villain Darth Vader — substituting a garbage bag for the dark lord's black cloak — leaped a wall and attacked them. Using a metal crutch in lieu of a light saber, Arwel Wynne Hughes shouted ''Darth Vader! Jedis!'' as he struck Barney Jones over the head with the crutch. He also punched 18-year-old Michael Jones, bruising his thigh.
The attacker said afterward he didn't remember the incident, having consumed most of a two-and-a-half-gallon box of wine beforehand. It's the same old story: Man buys box of wine, man drinks box of wine, man sees dorks swordfighting in the courtyard. Man dons trash bag, man steals crutch, man assaults dorks with crutch.
We've all been there.
Hughes' memory lapse didn't slow prosecutors, because the assault was recorded. Lights! Camera! Sentence! Perhaps intimidated by the power of the dark side of the Force, the court suspended Hughes' sentence. Drunk Vader had to pay a few hundred dollars in restitution and court costs, but won't have to serve his two months in jail as long as he doesn't thump any more sci-fi geeks in the next year.
Michael Jones, who serves as the sect's head of security — and clearly is doing a heckuva job — told a Welsh news service the encounter could have been even more disastrous.
“If it had actually been Darth Vader with a real light saber, things might have been more serious,'' he said. ''I don't think the Force was with him this time, just quite a bit of alcohol.''
Barney Jones has withdrawn since the attack. His brother Daniel, 21, said the victim has grown ''detached'' from the church: ''Barney can't hack it. We are getting mobbed by people in the street but some are poking fun.''
Kid, one Google search will show you more than ''some'' are poking fun. The church was a source of international Internet ridicule long before its founders got whooped by a wino in a trash bag.
Still, there are some true believers. The church has 30 members, and the founders claim the ''faith'' has thousands of supporters worldwide. Its aims are to create a community without bias or prejudice and to apply the wisdom of the Jedi. Their creed, in a nutshell: What would Yoda do?
The church seeks to bring the Jedi way of life to the masses, but Barney Jones appears to have set his X-wing fighter on a course for the distant Dagobah System.
''I wish to step away from publicity,'' he said.
Turning tail in the face of a setback? He hardly seems to be following the example of the Jedi. In the movies, Darth Vader cut off Luke Skywalker's hand, but the Jedi returned to vanquish Vader. Skywalker wouldn't let a severed limb — much less a whack on the melon from a crutch-wielding boozer — prevent him from restoring balance to the Force and peace to the galaxy.
Here's to hoping the Jedi church's founders rally and resume their ministry. At times like these — when we are under the threat of terrorism, labor unrest and natural disasters — we need the Jedi. Not because they will protect us, but because we need a laugh to distract us from it all.
May the Force be with them.
Contact columnist Ben ''Kenobi'' Bromley at bbromley@capitalnewspa pers.com Bromley writes for the Baraboo News Republic.
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