Predicting whether or not there will be an early spring became difficult in Vernon County on Tuesday when local resident groundhog, Viroqua Vic, slept through the entire day.

Vic, who had been partying hard on the east coast with Punxsutawney Phil and Staten Island Chuck, didn’t get back to his groundhog hole in Viroqua until Monday night. He was wiped out after the trio got into a mess of fermented wild grasses. It was the jet lag that eventually got to Vic, making him the first groundhog not to emerge on Groundhog Day since Quinnepec Quinny in 1981 -- and Quinny was unavailable for the event because he had died.

In a press conference after he awoke on Tuesday night, Vic was abrasive.

"So, I blew it, ruined your whole fake holiday," Vic said. "I’m a groundhog, I’m sorry I don’t have an alarm clock. It was my big chance to predict the weather and now we’ll never know. You people, you make me sick. I’d trade jobs with the Easter Bunny in a second."

After the brief statement, Vic heard a cell phone ring among the throng of reporters.

"Whose phone was that?" he said. "That’s so unprofessional. Not just to me, but to each other. You have no respect for yourselves. I’m not answering any more questions. I’m going back in my hole to eat some grasshoppers, grubs and snails. I’ll get back up six weeks from now -- Maybe."

--Iki Iki K-Tang

Conspiracy of the week is a regular feature in the Broadcaster that’s meant to be entertaining, although opinions will vary. Oh, and it’s totally fake.